Thursday, July 21, 2011

How to Write Efficiently on Planes

Your right elbow is two centimeters from your neighboring passenger's and if his eyes wander toward your computer screen ONE MORE TIME, you'll use it. The woman in front of you finally stopped yapping at the top of her vocal capabilities only to recline her chair back so far back it nearly crushes your beloved laptop, ripping you from the end of what was sure to be your most poignant sentence to date. (Crap! What was I saying???) She then snores through your none-too-subtle knee jabs to her back, which seems to trigger a nearby infant’s screaming fit. But you have three uninterrupted hours to WRITE! And dang-nabbit, you're going to.

How you ask? Here is what's working—er, um...I imagine would work, for me:

1. Open a document or web page featuring information sure to off-put your neighbor. for example, terrifies young, embarrass-able males... Masturbation Techniques for Her might stave off a persnickity, anti-feminist female. (Caution: Do not mistakenly use option B for passenger A.)

2. Type I KNOW YOU’RE READING THIS, BUSTER! in bold, large letters. (If you feel so moved, add cuss words.)

3. Bring your fire to the page. This is your win-win. Gather all of your frustration and convert it into writing fuel. Use your anger to strategically kill off the bad guy...your despair to convey the loneliness an imprisoned woman feels knowing she may never pursue her dreams...your humor to write a goofy satire involving a frustrated writer whose trouble-filled plane ride leads to fame, fortune and countless best-sellers...

Ideas to add? tell.

1 comment:

  1. After suffering through 25 minutes of air sickness we are approaching NYC folks, I decided three things: The next time the pilot says buckle up we are on approach and the person in front of me decides to recline for a snooze - I will tap them and tell them I am claustrophobic, I am airsick, and I will throw up on them - but if they'd like to continue reclining in MY spacae, that's fine with me. I will never choose a window seat again. Need air. Thirdly, as soon as I board I look kindly at the flight attendant and hand them my ice pack and explain that I get airsick and need it back as soon as possible. When they see the green face and realize they are not in Oz, they are happy to oblige. I can forget about writing. I just sit and stare or if I've taken my Dramamine, I snooze. But, I always sit very still.